Tamihana Paurini Member of The Moustache Collective (Auckland Libraries & Friends)

Depression Diary 7 cont... - and if you’ve seen counsellors and it hasn’t worked out don’t give up, keep trying you are worth it, be brave and be selfish about getting better! Mr T says so ;p xoxox

Depression Diary 7 cont... - Bingo!!! I instantly connected with my new counsellor, we found common ground and his advice was practical and straightforward, I loved it! For the first time I couldn’t wait for my next counselling session even though there were times I was in a deep black hole I knew I could trust in this man, that he would acknowledge and understand without judgement and provided hope when I thought hope was lost. We talked about being brave and selfish with my recovery to do the things today that will provide happiness and hope to my life...

Depression Diary 7 cont... - They were great people and I appreciated the time and effort they were giving to me but something wasn’t clicking and my recovery wasn’t going forward. I didn’t acknowledge this at the time because I thought it would just happen and I didn’t know any better and if I did I didn’t have the guts to question them about it. Than my marriage ended and I moved down home to Kapiti, went to see the GP and was referred to Compass Health for counselling.

Depression Diary 7 cont... - there is no agenda but to provide you with options and choices towards making those first steps to recovery and happiness. That’s it, no big mystery and they have been some of the kindest people I have ever meet.

I started with a psychologist from ProCare Auckland who chatted with me about my experiences and history, he graded how severe my depression was and then provided me with a counsellor. From there I had about 8 free counselling sessions before I was referred to a free local community counsellor that I was seeing every 2nd week or more.

Depression Diary 7

Getting professional help when you have depression is essential in managing the murky waters of the illness, making that first effort to see the GP can be a daunting prospect let alone seeing a mental health doctor. What if they think you should be locked up? What if they pump you with drugs? What if they tell you there’s nothing they can do for you? What if what if what if!!! I was scared as hell of getting medical help at first and my anxiety was running in overdrive with the thought of it. Let me assure you now that these people want to help...

Depresssion Diary 6 cont - I began to walk around the block, to walking than running down the beach to doing Zumba classes with my sister, to pumping weights in the gym and eating a more balanced diet with fruit and veges. Its all about balance, making good decisions for yourself and knowing that at the end of that class you're gonna feel good about yourself, I still enjoy a chocolate sundae but as cookie monster says, its just a sometimes treat now :D

Depresssion Diary 6 cont - My stomach was full and I almost vomited it all back up, I didn’t, just the chocolate fudge through my nostrils mwahahah I couldn’t get rid of the taste for ages ;p

Part of the reason I binged eat was because of my low self-image, I didn’t care what was good for me or what wasn’t as long as it made me feel good I didn’t care what the cost it was to me and there was a cost! My family knew me better though and were stubborn with their support to get me motivated to exercise, as I started to get the courage from their support I venture down the road to the 4 square...

Depresssion Diary 6 cont - I remember one late evening when it had been weeks since I hadn’t gotten a full nights rest, I got the craving for a McDonalds Mac Attack, 2 big Macs large fries large frozen coke and a super chocolate sundae. I eaten most of the food and was struggling with the second burger but I just couldn’t help myself, it made me feel good even though I knew it wasn’t healthy, so I just forced it down, bite after bite. But wait there’s more, I had the super chocolate sundae left and I loooove chocolate fudge so down it went forced spoonful after forced spoonful...

Depresssion Diary 6

We are physical creatures and I have always enjoyed getting a good sweat on, from primary school to my career I have been involved with fitness in some shape or form. When I moved down to Kapiti I couldn’t cope with being in a room with more than 2 people, I suffered from anxiety attacks at the mere thought of going outside or to the 4 square across the road and I binged on junk food because I loved the instant happiness it brought me.

Cheers bro! Sorry for delay, iPhone app doesn't let me comment on others page! It's been an awesome adventure... Next step... Make it annual and bigger!

Depression Diary 5 cont... - Woah that was serious ;p If there’s someone you know who’s done something nice for you, who’s given you a compliment or a person you've taken for granted, let them know they’re a valued person in your life and you love being part of theirs :D Live long and prosper xoxox

Depression Diary 5 cont... - there are people who can provide support and education on handling a person with depression. Get family involved to provide care as well, take time out so you're not living under the dark cloud for any long period of time and seek counseling yourself to deal with issues which arise when helping someone with depression.

I get a bit sad when I look back but like I've stated before you can’t change the past it’s what you can do for yourself now which counts and the choices I’m making today are making me stronger and healthier...

Depression Diary 5 cont... - and it made me even worse because I felt like a failure, I couldn't even support my marriage.

We thought we could do this together, I thought we could to but we couldn't for reasons I won’t go into. Looking back in retrospect there would be things I would do differently and if you are with a partner or have a family member suffering from depression consider what I have to say next. Build a support network to help carry the load! One person isn't enough, reach out to Mental Health services in your area...

Depression Diary 5

The costs of having depression can be heavy not only for the person suffering but also for those loved ones living with a person with the illness. My ex-wife was with me for the first 18 months of my depression, it was a hard time, I had stopped working and the financial responsibility fell solely on my her. I felt so guilty that I couldn't work, it ate away at my soul, so I tried to go back to work, bad move! It was a simple enough job and I've always excelled at whatever I did but I just didn't have the mental space or capacity at the time to function...

Depression Diary cont... - discuss with people my feelings and ideas when I need to address important issues, sounds simple but its taken me 35 odd years to learn it, old dogs do learn new tricks :D

Haha I’m thankful for being me, a little slow on the uptake sometimes but who isn’t now and again :) So don’t be too hard yourself, if you feel like you're being too hard on yourself you probably are, don’t let it rattle around in your head it will just drive you crazy, trust me I know lol. So call a mate, talk to your partner, write it down or scream it out whatever works baby whatever works!

Depression Diary 4 cont... - Its funny you can be overly critical of oneself because you have expectations, my criticisms and expectations of myself were all out of whack and I didn’t know what was up or down at that time. “It’s not the destination, but the journey that counts!” It’s an old one but a goody, we’ve all heard it before and I had heard it many times prior to getting depression and after going through many difficult challenges in my life I have a greater appreciation of the moment and the options and choices I have now. I give myself time to reflect and...

Depression Diary 4

I have a very lovely sister in-law who I have wonderful colourful conversations with point out that I was hard on myself during my Depression Diary Day 3 blog when I called myself lazy. So I reread what I had written and reflected on how I was near the beginning of getting help. She was right, at that point when I started getting help I made a big assumption, I thought doing what I thought you’d suppose to do was all that you needed to do to get well, but at least I was trying and thought that would help me get better...