What to do when someone tells you they're having suicidal thoughts

You might not know what to say, or whether anything you say will help.

Here's the truth: you don't need to have all the answers. You just need to show up.

This article covers the warning signs to watch for, what to say when it matters most, and what to steer well clear of.

Signs someone might be at risk

Some things can raise the risk of someone having suicidal thoughts. These include:

• painful past or present experiences like abuse, job loss, the end of a relationship or the death of someone close to them
• a family history of suicide
• previous thoughts of suicide or a past attempt
• substance use
• mental or physical health challenges.

Sudden shifts in how someone's behaving are also worth taking seriously. Watch out if someone you care about:

• seems more irritable or quick to anger than usual
• is pulling back from mates or things they normally enjoy
• is taking more risks or acting recklessly
• can't sleep or is sleeping way more than usual
• has lost motivation at work or school
• starts talking about death or hopelessness
• starts saying or doing things that feel like a goodbye.

If you're clocking any of these signs, don't sit on it. Say something.

Passive vs. active suicidal thoughts

Suicidal thoughts can range in intensity. Most experts recognise two broad categories:

Passive suicidal ideation: when someone talks about not wanting to be here anymore. Something like, 'it'd be easier if I just didn't wake up.'

Active suicidal ideation: when someone is actively thinking about ending their life. Something like, 'I've been thinking about just ending it.'

Important: both need to be taken seriously. It doesn't matter whether your mate has a concrete plan or is only vaguely considering it. Believe them. Act on it.

What to say

Ask open questions

Give them room to talk. Questions that need more than a yes or no answer are more likely to get the conversation going:

"How are things going at home at the moment?"
"You seem like you've been doing it tough lately. What's been going on?"

Be direct

This isn't the moment to dance around it. If you're worried someone is thinking about suicide, ask them straight out.

"Are you having thoughts about suicide?"

A lot of people worry that asking will plant the idea. It won't. There's strong evidence that asking directly actually helps. It can free someone from carrying those thoughts alone, and if they're not thinking about it, no harm done.

If they say yes, go a little deeper:

"Have you thought about how you'd do it?"
"Are you worried you might act on it?"
"How long have you been feeling like this?"
"Have you felt this way before?"
"Have you ever tried to take your own life?"

These questions help you understand whether they're in immediate danger, whether they've started making a plan or are already taking steps. Whatever they tell you, take it seriously.

Listen without judging

This won't be an easy conversation. You might feel scared, sad, or completely at a loss. That's normal. But what your mate needs right now is for you to stay present and listen without judgment.

Reflect back what they're saying in your own words. It shows you've actually heard them, and it helps them feel less alone. You don't need to fix anything or have answers. Being there is enough.

Just remember: as hard as this conversation may be, it’s better to find out early that someone you care about is thinking about suicide – when you have the power to act. Don’t leave it until it’s too late.

Offer reassurance

Skip the cliches. You don't need to fix it with a one-liner. Just let them know you've got their back. Some things worth saying:

• Validate what they’re feeling: "I'm sorry things have been this hard. You've been carrying a lot."
• Remind them they’re not alone: "You're not the only one who's felt this way. I'm really glad you told me."
• Make sure they know you’re here:"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here."
• Let them know there’s hope:"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things can get better. Let's figure out how to get you some help."

What not to say

Don't argue or dismiss what they're feeling

Avoid things like:

"But you have so much to live for."
"Things aren't as bad as you think."
"You shouldn't feel this way."

These responses might feel logical, but they land like a door being slammed shut.

Don't try to guilt them out of it

Using guilt as a lever only heaps more pain on someone who's already in a bad way. Don't say things like:

"Suicide is selfish."
"Think about what it would do to everyone who cares about you."
"Imagine how I'd feel if you did this."

Don't minimise or brush it off

Treating suicidal thoughts as attention-seeking, or assuming they'll pass, can make someone feel even more alone. Always take it seriously. Never assume they're exaggerating. A few things to avoid:

"You just need to get some perspective."
"You're just saying that for attention."
"You wouldn't actually go through with it."
"You'll feel better tomorrow."

Watch your language

Some terms around suicide carry more weight than people realise. Avoid using phrases like:

• "committed suicide" (use "died by suicide" instead)
• "successful" or "unsuccessful" suicide (use "died by suicide" or "attempted to take their life")
• "completed suicide" (same as above).

What you can do to help

Keep the door open

Don't push them to talk before they're ready. Let them know you're there and the door's always open. One conversation rarely fixes everything, and that's fine.

Encourage them to get professional support

Offer to help them find someone to talk to, or to go with them to a first appointment. They might not jump at it straight away. That's okay. Keep encouraging them, gently, over time.

Help them build a safety plan

A safety plan is basically a list of people and services they can reach out to if things escalate. Go through it with them. Having it written down makes it real and ready.

If they're in immediate danger, don't leave them alone. Get them to the nearest emergency room or call emergency services. This isn't a situation where you wait and see.

Keep checking in

Don't disappear once you've had the conversation. Check in regularly. Not every conversation has to be about suicide. But come back to it specifically until you can see they're doing better.

Be concrete about when you'll follow up. A vague 'I'll call you soon' is easy to let slide. Lock in a day and time, then show up.

Crisis support lines

If you or someone you know needs help right now, these services are available:

Australia: Lifeline: 13 11 14 | Emergency: 000

United States: Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 | Emergency: 911

Canada: Talk Suicide: 833-456-4566 or text 45645 | Emergency: 911

United Kingdom: National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 0800 689 5652 | Emergency: 999

You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to say the perfect thing. You just need to be there, stay in it, and help them get support. That's more than enough.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.