Five things stopping you from starting the conversation with your teen

Nobody tells you that you’re allowed to start this conversation badly. So most people don’t start it at all.

Yeah, we’re talking about the check-in.

You know the one. Maybe you’ve noticed something’s off with someone you care about. You want to say something. But you don’t know exactly what. So you wait.

We know from programs like Movember’s Ahead of the Game that the thing most parents and carers actually need isn’t more information about mental health. It’s a way in. Something that makes it feel okay to bring it up.

Researchers call it a “licence to talk.” Sometimes that comes from a shared experience, something you watched together, a mate’s story that came up over dinner. Anything that means you’re not introducing the topic cold.

This article is one more tool for that. It won’t give you a perfect script. But it’ll give you a way to start.

Here are the five things that are probably stopping you, and how to get past each one.

1. “I don’t feel like it’s my place.”

It is. That’s the whole point.

Young people are most likely to reach out to someone they already trust, a parent, a coach, a carer. But a lot of them hold back because they’re worried about how people will react. Which means someone has to go first. That someone is you.

You don’t need a qualification. You need a relationship. And you’ve already got that.

2. “I don’t know when or where to do it.”

Side-by-side works better than face-to-face. Less eye contact, less pressure, more chance they’ll actually talk.

A car ride. Walking the dog. Kicking the footy. Doing the dishes. Look for any moment where you’re doing something together and the conversation can happen alongside it, not instead of everything else.

Don’t corner them at the dinner table. Don’t do it in front of their mates. Don’t ambush them the second they walk through the door. The ALEC framework covers timing in more detail.

3. “I don’t know what to say.”

Keep it low-key. Keep it direct. You don’t need a script, just one line that shows you’ve been paying attention.

“I’ve noticed you seem a bit flat lately. How are you going?”

“You haven’t quite seemed yourself. What’s been going on?”

“I might be wrong, but I get the sense something’s up. Want to chat?”

“How have things been feeling for you lately?”

The key is being specific, not vague. “You okay?” and “Everything good?” are easy to brush off with a yeah or a fine. But “I’ve noticed that...” shows you’ve been paying attention. It makes it harder to wave you off with a one-word answer.

Not sure what signs to look for? Here’s how to spot when someone’s not themselves.

Sometimes the easiest way in is to go first yourself. Share something about your own week, something real, not a performance of everything being fine.

It doesn't have to be heavy. Even something small, like admitting you've been stressed at work or that something's been on your mind, signals that this is a space where that kind of honesty is okay.

You're not putting pressure on them to open up. You're just showing them the door.

4. “I’m scared of making it worse.”

You won’t. And here’s why: just showing up is more than most people do.

That said, a few things are worth avoiding. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t tell them it’s not a big deal. Don’t make it about you. Don’t treat it like an interrogation. You’re opening a door, not conducting an interview.

The conversation doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to happen. For a deeper guide on what to avoid, check this out.

5. “What if they don’t open up?”

That’s not a failure. That’s normal.

Sometimes the first conversation is just about showing you’re there. You’ve planted a seed. You’ve made it known it’s safe to talk. That counts for more than you think.

Try:
“That’s alright, we don’t have to get into it now. Just know I’m here if you want to talk.”

Then come back to it. This part matters. One conversation rarely does it, but a second one tells them you meant it. The ALEC check-in step covers how to follow up.

Start this week

Every reason on that list? You’ve now got an answer for it.

Pick one person. Pick one line. Find a moment that isn’t forced. This doesn’t have to be heavy, formal, or perfect. It can happen in the in-between moments of everyday life.

If you take one thing from this, make it this:
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself lately. How are you going?”

That’s more than enough to begin.

And if the conversation does open up:

• Not sure what to do next? Here’s a guide for parents of teenagers.
• Think they might need professional support? Here’s how to help them find it.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.