When You’re the One Struggling

Your teenager picks up on your stress. You already know this. How? Because you pick up on theirs, too.

When you feed off each other’s stress, it can turn into a loop that’s hard to break. You’re stressed, they’re stressed, everyone’s reacting to everyone else, and the whole house feels like it’s running hot.

Here’s the thing though: every time you handle your own emotions in front of them, you’re showing them how to do the same. Whether you mean to or not.

Keeping your cool under pressure. Thinking before you react. Finding ways to bring yourself back down when things get heated. That’s a skill. It’s called emotional regulation – and it sounds more complicated than it is.

Basically, it’s being able to manage your thoughts, feelings and behaviour when things get tough, instead of just reacting in the moment.

Here are three things worth keeping in your back pocket. They don’t just help when you’re personally struggling. They model emotional regulation for your teen at the same time.

Call a time-out

Ever notice you argue more with your teenager when you’re already having a tough time? Whilst understandable, your tough time just got worse.

Getting into it with a fired-up teenager is a battle you can’t win. Your logic, your totally reasonable frustration – it all just becomes fuel. So when you’re struggling and things are escalating, walk away. Safely, briefly, and with a clear explanation.

“I’m taking a time-out because I’m really struggling right now. I’ll be in my bedroom.”

That’s it. The fire loses its oxygen, and you get a couple of minutes to pull yourself together.

But here’s what else just happened: you showed your teenager what to do when things get too much. You named how you were feeling, and you removed yourself before it got worse. They’ll remember that. And with any luck, they’ll be calling their own time-outs one day when their future teenagers are driving them up the wall.

Exercise where they can see you

If exercise feels like a time-luxury you can’t afford as a parent, you’re not alone. A lot of parents feel like the demands of their teens crowd out any chance of looking after themselves.

But here’s why it’s worth finding even a small window: when your teenager sees you exercise and sees how it helps, that lands differently to just telling them exercise is good for them.

It doesn’t have to be a big production. Going for a short walk or doing a ten-minute YouTube boxing workout in the living room, done while your teen’s around, can have a real and immediate effect on how you’re feeling. And once you’re done, joining the dots and saying it out loud helps:

“That actually helped heaps – I feel way better.”

You might even get them to join in. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Any exercise for you is a win on its own.

Slow it down

Showing your teen that you can stay in control of your emotions when you’re doing it tough is one of the most reassuring things you can do for them.
So when emotions start to rise, slow it down. Three steps:

• Name it out loud: “I’m really struggling here.”
• Say what you’re going to do: “I’m going to calm down by relaxing my hands and taking three deep breaths.”
• Do it: Drop your shoulders, unclench your hands, and take three slow breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth, slowly.

Commit to it and you’ll often feel surprisingly better. Your teen sees that. They see that breathing actually works. And it doesn’t have to be saved for when things are already heated. Doing it daily, before things escalate, is a great habit. Great modelling, too.

Put this into play

Think about what you’d do if your teenager told you they were struggling. Whatever comes to mind – are you applying that same thinking to yourself?

The old air-safety line is worth remembering here: secure your own mask before helping others. When things are tough at home, how you handle it is one of the most powerful things your teen can witness. Call a time-out. Get moving. Breathe through it out loud.

It helps you. And it teaches them what to do when it’s their turn.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.