You clocked it. Say something.

You’ve clocked it. Something’s off.

He’s quieter in the group chat. Cancelled the last two catch-ups. Laughed at something that wasn’t that funny. You want to say something, so you give it a crack.

“how you going mate?”
“yeah good, you?”
“yeah good.”

And that’s it. Good is good, right?

But you walk away thinking: should I have pushed? What would I even have said? I don’t want to be pushy.

Most of us are alright at noticing. It’s the next bit that trips us up.

Here’s the thing: the person you’re worried about has probably been working hard to look fine. Your standard “how you going” just bounces right off that. You need a different play.

Here’s that play. It’s called ALEC.

It's four steps to checking in on someone properly.

Pick your moment first

The start is always the hardest bit. That’s normal. It’s not a sign to bail.

Where and when you ask how someone is matters more than the exact words. Go somewhere low-key, somewhere that doesn’t feel like a formal sit-down. The everyday moments work best: in the car, walking somewhere, a coffee at someone’s kitchen bench, kicking a ball around.

And break the “good, you?” loop. If you drop the question in the middle of a conversation rather than right at the start, it signals you actually want an answer. Unhurried tone, relaxed body language. Small stuff, but it lands differently.

Run the ALEC play

ALEC is four steps. Ask, Listen, Encourage action, Check in.

Ask

Start with something open and direct:

“You doing alright lately?”
“You’ve seemed a bit flat. What’s going on?”

If there’s something specific you’ve noticed, name it. That makes the question harder to deflect without it feeling like an ambush. And if they say “I’m fine”, it’s OK to ask again. People often deflect the first time. A second ask, gently done, lets them know you meant it.

Listen

Give them room to answer. Don’t jump in with solutions. Don’t tell them they’ll be fine. Don’t make what they’re saying feel small. You don’t need to have an answer. Honestly, it’s better if you don’t.

What you hear might not make sense to you, or might sit miles from your own experience. That’s alright. Try repeating a bit of what they’ve said back to them. Use their name.

Ask a follow-up: “That sounds hard. How long have you been feeling like this?” You’re not just pretending to care here. You’re making sure the words landed.

Encourage action

If they’re clearly going through it, start with the basics. Are they sleeping? Eating properly? Is there something that’s helped before? Sometimes naming the fundamentals is enough to shift things.

If it feels like more than a rough patch, help them think about who to talk to next. That might be a doctor, a psychologist or a counsellor, especially if they’ve been struggling for more than a couple of weeks. Offer to help book the appointment if that would actually help.

If they’re not at that point yet, is there someone else they trust? A family member, a coach, someone who’s been through something similar? Getting them somewhere to start matters more than getting it perfect.

Check in

One conversation rarely does it. A few days later, send a text:

“Hey, been thinking about the other day. How you going?”

Nothing heavy. If the response is thin, try again next time you see them in person. You don’t want to overwhelm them, and you don’t need to keep bringing it up. What matters is that they know you’re there.

Put this play into action

Pick one person. Find a moment that isn’t rushed. Ask how they’re actually going and listen to the answer.

Even if they say “yeah, good” and leave it there, you’ve done the useful thing: you’ve shown them you’re someone they can come to when they’re ready.

Think about the last time you were holding something in and someone gave you an opening to get it out. No advice, no pivot, no diagnosis. Just: I hear you.

That’s what this play is. And the more you make a start, the easier it gets.

Huge thanks to R U OK? for developing the ALEC framework.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.