What to do when someone seems ‘off’

You know when someone’s still showing up. Just not showing up as themselves?

Noticing that shift, and trusting what you see, is one of the most useful things you can do for someone. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to have the right words. Just clocking that something’s off. And doing something about it.

Here’s what to look for, what it might mean, and what to do once you’ve spotted it.

Is there a pattern?

Everyone has off days. A flat session, a quiet night, one cancelled plan. That’s just life. What matters is when the same thing keeps showing up, not once but over a few weeks.

Things worth paying attention to:

• Pulling back from moments they used to be all over: sport, catch-ups, group chats
• A drop in how they’re performing, at work, at training, at school
• A shorter fuse than usual, or taking risks they wouldn’t normally take
• Changes in sleep or eating, in either direction
• Saying things that make you stop for a second, even if they frame it as a joke

One of these on its own? Probably nothing. A few of them, sticking around for a few weeks? That’s not a bad week. Those are signs worth paying attention to.

Once you’ve noticed a pattern, it helps to know what you might be looking at.

Mind that won’t switch off

Sometimes what you’re seeing is someone whose head won’t stop running. The overthinking goes all day. They’re avoiding stuff they used to handle fine. Everything feels harder than it should be. They might not even call it anxiety. It just feels relentless.

From the outside, it can look like restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, pulling back from situations, or using alcohol or other substances to take the edge off. Easy to write off as someone being a bit intense. Worth reading differently.

Knowing this changes what you do next. You’re not going to talk someone out of it by telling them to relax. But letting them know you’ve noticed something is off – that’s often enough of a prompt to open the door.

Going quiet

This one’s different. Not wired, just flat. Lower energy, pulling away from people, poor concentration or memory, talking themselves down even when it’s dressed up as a joke.

Here’s something worth knowing: in young men especially, this doesn’t always look like sadness. It can show up as irritability or aggression. The guy who’s suddenly snapping at everyone might not be angry. He might be struggling. Easy to misread, important not to.

Same deal. If you can see the irritability for what it might be, you’re less likely to write someone off and more likely to check in.

Once you’ve noticed

You don’t need to know exactly what’s going on. You don’t need to name it or diagnose it. You just need to trust the pattern and do something with it.
The people who make the biggest difference aren’t the ones who had all the answers. They’re the ones who noticed, and showed up.

If someone’s working hard to look fine, they’re putting real energy into hiding it. The signs might be subtle because they’re being made subtle. That doesn’t mean they’re not there.

Here’s how to put this into action

Think about the people in your orbit right now. Is there anyone whose behaviour has shifted? Not a one-off, but something that’s been sitting there for a while?

If someone comes to mind, check in. You’ve already done the hard part which is noticing. And if you’re not sure how to start that conversation, here’s a gameplan for that.

Struggling, or worried about someone else? Find support resources here.